I'm not feeling very expressive, as though words were a finite resource, and I spent them all talking to my father in the past hour, as I sipped coffee and really had to go to the bathroom (as though the "holding in") were some kind of metaphor.
Many things rub me the wrong way which probably shouldn't. The way my stepsister keeps her door open at night, for example, though I otherwise think she's pretty great and only bristle when I think she has an aversion to my strangeness/rough edges, though I do get a laugh out of her once in awhile. ("That's a beautiful mailbox," I said, pointing to a plant in a ceramic, decorative holder above the kitchen sink, shaped somewhat like a mailbox. She looked confused for a brief second, but she is rather bright, and played along, gave a brief and relevant response - as she almost always does- regarding the history of how it came to be theirs/there).
How could I begin to share the smallest part of my conversation with my father? I am grateful that I type so fast, almost 100 wpm. It's one of the best things I have going for me when combined with having a lot to say- although whether or not I ever actually have "something" to say is arguable (controversial? unclear? ha) -- although, as per mentioned, I'm not sure this is one of those times.
Sometimes you just have to warm up.
Last night we had freezing rain and today is Ulalume-worthy (though Poe's misty dank regions of Weir or whathaveyou were memorialized in October, not December): not a hint of sun, howling wind, a canvas of white and all manner of greys, and that weird indescribable blue of winter. Enough of that thing I can't really do.
I'm a bit nervous about traveling home, because Mercury went Retrograde this morning but geez louise, not every aspect of transit can fall apart. At any rate, I may feel right at home; not my Mercury but FIVE of my planets were retrograde when I was born, leading to feelings of social privation, though I'm not sure what "privation" means, and only refer to feeling like a man unto myself, who is a misfit, and somehow can't fit in with society. Oh, yeah!
My boyfriend gave me quite a stern talking to last night, and it took us over an hour to get to a comfortable place of being (temporarily) resolved. He doesn't want to be "that guy," and have to call at a certain exact time, when who knows what he will be doing - he says "Spontaneity is not the issue," he doesn't want to be controlled- but from my perspective, I need to feel that he is accountable for me (within REASON, he should know by now that I give enormous leeway, and only really require a sincere attitude and what I discern as an earnest effort.) He said he'd probably never break up with me, anyway, and I said, I know. It will have to be me to do it permanently, if it comes to that, and he got defensive and insecure, but anyway eff all this I can't wait to jump on his beautiful body and hold him for hours. It's gonna be hot, though I may stop sleeping with him. Hahahaha, "until we're married," -- only I'm not kidding, I'm seriously considering it.
I had sort of troubled (though not limitlessly heavy) dreams about him. I got mad, and stormed off, as we were walking with my other ex J and J's new gf (whom we recently went out to/in Portland with, and had a decent time) into "80s Night." 80s Night is a real phenomenon that I've heard about but not experienced - actually, there are probably many variations/instances of it - but in my dream it was in a civic center type building and behind a sort of glass door. I went back because in my dream I remembered that he had been with J's new gf (not true in real life), had "known" her in the biblical sense, and I wanted to speak to him about it honestly more out of curiosity and affection than jealousy.
It was really a small room, and packed - though not uncomfortable so. I saw J, looking a bit sad (though he is in real life very flat, schizophrenic and heavily medicated, which I often misconstrue as melancholia, or not, perhaps), in a tophat, but I cruised right by him with false bravado and entered a line. The lines were moving in opposite directions, it was the cheesiest dancing, a bit like two "cabooses" at the roller rink, or something. At any rate I wasn't really jiving, though trying to appear, again, very confident and happy, for when I saw D., though I actually never did, because what I did was this: it's very hard to describe, but somehow I threw myself down right in the middle of the line of people and made almost everyone topple over! You had to be there, but I did it on purpose and it was quite funny, and then I woke up, to the howling wind, though it was only 7:30 am.
The light flickers here; "Changes in the weather, are bound to be extreme." My Dad and I listened to music, on this internet program where you can listen to anything for free and make a playlist but you have to pay to download, while my stepsister made yet another pair of mittens (I have abandoned mine, literally and figuratively; I may make my mother pick up the slack) and my stepmother laid in bed with one of her endless and infinite "afflictions," (don't get me started; I may not be nice.)
I can't even begin to describe the conversation my father and I had this morning. We are very alike in many ways, with melancholy temperaments and Pisces moon (which came first...hahaha: sorry, inside joke...with MYSELF... only it's not really a "joke" in the sense of a trace of cleverness, well maybe a trace, like trace metals in things). I was trying to describe in what ways I am subjectively uncomfortable here despite all their good efforts and no fault of anyone, really, but myself. I said, "You know, the last time we were all under the same roof together, I was kicked out." He said, "You still see it that way." "Yes, I do," I said, "You said I had to go live with my Mom." Anyway. It's very hard to truly forgive, and it's an ongoing process, and truly & deeply important to me, at least I hope.
I'm going to wash my hair and go have tea with the Pastor's wife. How could I say no to that woman? She just called, and talks so fast, and she chirps like a bird, and I find her strangely beautiful. Maybe I'll post later.
