The disco bling brooch from the White Elephant party has been found, so that all is well. Except what is not, such as the creeping sense that I really was incorrect in not applying to 10+ MFAs, but I am a girl I am a tired girl I am a happy girl, I want to stay happy and I could barely follow these threads; I'd rather get on the elliptical, the yummy keyboard and Steinishly rant but with a different soul and not the evidence of genius : ( Dr. Greene says if I didn't do it, there is a reason. I worry he could inspire some fatalistic inertia, but it is not for me to know.
It does feel good to free-style. I feel all this pressure, to edit & edit, my own brother who does not call himself a writer probably sits with a piece of writing much longer and more seriously then I do. I myself (that phrase, does it have to go? "I myself," is it too much? Why would anyone use it? Who else could the I be? But what a ring, what a ring: and this is what my own mother, ha, said of my her-given name: "I thought it had a nice ring to it.") would rather live my whole life like an absurd soliloquy, which is what I wrote in my Livejournal (username: mothslikefire) many years ago. I was in love then and I'm in love now, but I'm probably not using the words right. There is a man in my life, oh yes, there is a man, he is tall and dreamy and smart, and says he loves me he does; and launches poems, and troubled dreams, and is only one person. Once I had him saved in my phone as "justaman," a reminder which seemed relevant, but it seems increasingly obvious, which is a good thing, I think, and perhaps precludes better loving.
I call going to sleep "launching," by the way, if that tells you anything about where I place dreaming on the priority scale, and I try, actually, these days, to remember my dreams less, though I shouldn't write that, because I am superstitious about words and thus trying to stay positive/be very clear and truthful. I've had the thought before and it occured to me again (because I was reading a notebook from 6 mos prior in which I wrote it): Isn't it weird that, if you went to sleep at a slightly different time, place, or bodily position, your dreams might be entirely something other than what they are?
Implications?
