Hi Folks,
I'm just stopping in. A friend of mine recently moved her writings over here, and four rapid (rabid) messages from internet stalker friend (her true self is my true self's friend, at least) later, I'm thinking I should do the same. Just step away from the Myspace. I'm not feeling poetic, intellectual, or even melancholy, just a little panicked by the barrage of sentiments like : "I am going to cover you in gasoline and burn you to death you little slut cunt elitist snob. You think you are better than everyone. You are attention seeking and a drama queen. You like to make other feel like shit about themselves. why don’t you get a life and top selling pills to kids...." Creating a new blog gives me a sense of moving on; go me / so there.
: )
I'm commited to not being blown like a leaf by this, to staying centered. The girl, whoever she is (I'm not even positive it's who I think, though I'm pretty positive) needs prayer and that's that. She says she knows where I live and maybe she does. If the Lord wills for her to show up with the gasoline and the matches (her weapon of choice, apparently), what can I do? She already thought of the whole moving solution, said it didn't matter how many times, she was gonna finish me. I don't believe it, but all kinds of things happen as anyone knows.
She's "Karma" on Myspace, which I'm sure on some level is hilarious and for her current default has a cropped photo of my face in a very realistic Chipmunk body. Her 2-D Design is improving, perhaps her writing as well (who can judge such vagaries as craft and aestheticism?) I have no idea what "vagaries" exactly means.
When I first saw this embellished depiction of me I was deeply distraught, not because of the allusion to my cheeks- which are round indeed, even at the 110 pounds or so I am unbraggingly (well, I don't know, I'll get back to this, body image being a Theme), unflinchingly at- but because it was jarring and freaky and crept at me from the wrong direction and struck deep, hard. I have yet to connect with the humor of the photo on any deep level. She does know my phone number (she wrote it in her first message from this crop and said she was going to give it to some "big fucking angry nigger bitches," or something) though nothing has come of it so far. I was going to change it immediately, but on second thought that would be hugely inconvenient. I don't think I need to.
I'm having a surprisingly pleasant vacation (what that word means for me in my current lifestyle I can't begin to define, but it is one) with Dad et. al, even if he is "outraged" by the likes of Jackson Pollack, crying for all the "serious, disciplined" artists out there. He's a fundamentalist Christian, way conservative, two weeks from fifty years old, looks like George Bush, and has struggled all his life with mood swings /Pisces Moon complications. He's a lively conversationalist, however. I'd love to write more but I am deeply discouraged, and I think that talking about something is a way of feeding it, sometimes. There is much to learn from him in terms of the spiritual life. I am feeling good to be around people who pray and relate many matters to God.
I exercised on my Dad's elliptical machine for 25 hardcore minutes yesterday and today, listening to music like Pavement and the Cure on DY's ipod. DY is a frequent character in my writings. I'm very pleased to announce that he is my boyfriend, but don't blink!
I am hoping the exercise will be good for sleeping. I also have a couple applications to finish up / send off, and I'm not holding my breath. I feel like I sort of didn't prioritize that well and dropped the ball in certain critical areas. Like as hard as I worked, and edited, and schemed, and tried... I didn't even read my personal statements from beginning to end before submitting them, repeated words, didn't catch all my extra commas, etc. But it was an exercise in committing to a sort of long-term goal, and I think I've learned a lot, and don't regret it. I also realize I'm up against very low acceptance rates, and that I am young, and if moved, can try again. It's been overall an interesting, beautiful, and productive fall. And now it's winter time, I think. I am not disappointed.
Love,
Spicy Shalom
