What is this about loyalty and not all people deserving the same level of kindness? And Jesus said he came to divide mother and father, and child and parent, because... we must lose our lives to find them. We're all blinded by our attachments, our idiosyncratic preferences. And I don't know when or if we should rely on our "feelings," for moral compass. Just saying I don't know, is all. And what is this about "knowing," who is right, and who is wrong? Rumi said beyond the two there is a field I'll meet you there. I'm interested in that field.
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"World's Smallest mother to give birth for the third time" at:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1226443/Worlds-smallest-mother-risk-giving-birth-time.html
Her first child inherited her condition (which is difficult to describe, but is very small) which outraged many respondents while others lept to her defense and argued that disability does not automatically decrease an individual's chances of a fulfilling life.
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Living in America I often feel oppressed by abstractions like the status of my education, my parenting "philosophy," how I stand on this or that issue; what I want to pursue for a career path. Meanwhile, I'm living the good life, feasting day in, day out.
So I've decided maybe I'll focus on food, for awhile, and maybe I'll go back to Myspace. I certainly don't feel punished, though**... But I think I'll write about food. I was perusing several of the "ED" blogs, with their vivid photos of foods, and it's rather a vital, if overcrowded, niche. I've always had a hearty appetite, my own bout with disordered eating, and a life-long love. (I will say that many of the girls I wondered what they meant by "recovery," when they still appeared frankly emaciated, but we come in all kindsa packages ayuh, and perhaps I'm just preemptively bitter re some big stretchin 'bout to go down)
I don't know if this is because of the hormones coursing through my body, preparing for significantly increased blood volume, the secret and illustrious production of a human being, etc, etc: but eating has never been so blissful for me. **I'm sad about recent events, the swift downfall of our little blogging threesome, I'm hopeful for its restitution or something to take its place. Last night I actually dreamt of salad, not the snobby kind I usually gravitate towards with spring mix and seasoned almonds and feta, but good old iceberg, red onions, shredded carrot cucumber and a zesty italian. Cool.
I slept until 11, the sleep of forgetting, and roused myself for immediate consumption of something high protein: left- over pork chop, and a couple spoonfuls of peas with curry and tandoori. I lounged around net-surfing, on the quest to sate myself with opinions, the ambivalence of others, and myriad horror stories related to my current, surprisingly common, condition.
After a small cup of dark roast coffee with cream and one sugar around 12:45, a big meal at 1:30: two and a half more pork chops (I slowly pan fried them around 9:30 pm last night in their own fat and salt and pepper and garlic salt: what a savory aroma!), left over canned maple syrup & bacon baked beans sauteed in the crisp pieces of half a yellow onion, a bit of well-done brown rice with salted butter, half a garlic bagel with more butter, a small piece of soft apricot scone baked by my mother who appears not to be speaking to me, and half a dark chocolate truffle (the other I handed to D, who had gone home, than come back, and was doing the dishes and probably not expecting me to share dessert).
I spent the entire day reading pregnancy journals and info about labor, watched some terrifying videos of deliveries on youtube, which really made me consider caeserean, than walked for an hour to the Cure, my old route. To find myself dancing a bit was to unbury my old self and to climb to the top of the city, passing the beautiful Catholic steeple of stone and bats, is reliably expansive.
This is not my best blog, but I feel the desire to read everything in the world.
So, for dinner (6:30) I had a veggie burger with lots of gooey, melted cheddar cheese, and about four bowls of popcorn popped in a pan on the stove in oil, doused in melted butter, salt, and parmesan cheese. What ecstasy! What a trance! And a bit of left over Amy's soup, Coconut Thai, a murky grayish orange - a base of coconut milk and sweet potato - with bits of tofu, shitake mushroom, rings of carrot, and onion. And then I devoured a Nutrageous bar (4 for $1 at Bell's, a liquidation discount food store I frequented for the first time Friday). I still have what is usually the grandest feast of the day, Dinner Number 2, to look forward to.
This week I'm volunteering at the soup kitchen with the Boys and Girls Club on Tuesday afternoon, going to a women's basketball game with them Thursday evening, and facilitating the writing groups at the jail. I'm probably going to buy a car because I'm worried about all this time in my own head and in my apartment. I'm considering applying to a certain scandalous Coffee Shop ("all shapes and sizes welcome to apply"), but we'll see. Perhaps I'm just being subversive.
