Just Kidding, of course
if you need your money you can have it. i'm not trying to punish or starve you. neither of us is seeing the others perspective with much empathy or logic. so many things go through my head... i don't ever know how "tough" to be. before picking you up at uma, i thought about getting a breakfast sandwich for myself at bagelmainea than thought well, that's mean...he's probably starving... then i thought about getting you one. then i thought maybe we could eat at my house since you'd brought food over. rejecting eating with me is rejecting me, and a chance at a family. it doesn't solve anything from my perspective, but i guess closure must be your biggest priority. that's fine; i can't say i blame you but it's a big step & perhaps only because of this impulsive and still-foolish (i think i at least can possibly make it something better, with a great deal of faith and determination) pregnancy.
food is not my religion though it is a preoccupation, and a damn healthy one in a lot of ways. in some ways, not so much but at least i'm trying to choose something that doesn't drag me all the way down. (but i am dragged down, i am floundering, and it is not a game) sometimes i think drugs - including coffee - are yours. i can tear anyone apart in my mind, or put them on a pedestal. it's all mostly illusion, a certain arrangement of facts & impressions. another cell phone lost in the shuffle... and who knows when we pass the line of no turning back.
what i'm complaining about in terms of what you are or aren't doing is in some ways no different than the alcoholic who claims they have a disease. it's not like any of this just happened to either of us. we are responsible-- but also helpless, because we are diseased, because we are fallen. it's sad though common and i can see surprisingly, without doing anything about, the lockdown we are in, how the other seems positively evil... also, how dedicated we are to this misery, since either one of us making a step towards kindness or vulnerability is consistently rebuffed. i understand you struggle but i also think you're deeply, deeply selfish- in a way that goes much farther than frosting.
that comment about how i divide dessert as a way of proving my stinginess seemed really stupid to me, btw. you know what i've given you, and what you've given me-- and my eating tics are no worse than yours: you who says like a broken record you can do nothing/have no drive, but are always heating up your food so it's just right, drinking another cup of coffee; buying for yourself and hunting a buzz, regardless of your debts. nobody can make you feel guilty. legitimate guilt is objective, either you are or you aren't. there is a baby on the way and you think everything will be fine, today you said people are raised in all kinds of situations. but i promise you, anytime a baby is raised there is ALWAYS someone who considers a baby someone worth being very concerned about, that it's a very urgent matter. i don't think that will be you, and i'm sure in the grand scheme, for the baby at least, it's mostly okay. while at the same time, completely unacceptable. i'm sorry i said you were going to hell. i have no idea. i don't even know what that means, but I believe God reigns over the wicked and the just. I don't know which you are, and contemplating it brings only further suffering. but i've had enough of your foolish ultimatums. you don't know what you're talking about, you don't know how to thrive, so stop lecturing me & telling me i'm a mess, when you positively revel in being a nonentity
