I'm (perhaps surprisingly) unrebuked by certain recent comments. I have my own version of what went down and I don't stew in it, I don't write banned for life lists, and I certainly - certainly - don't plot. But I strongly believe I wasn't dealing primarily with disinterested friendship, though I was dealing with an interesting sense of humor that mostly fed off making fun of other people. I'm just a different kind of bird. I'm not so interested in the family of origin or the chosen clan as people who deserve a totally elevated treatment. I'm not so interested in decided my significant other and I are the champions of the world. Far from it. Perhaps that's why I'm often miserable; sometimes I wish I was dead, but I hear a lot of us have feelings like that, from time to time. Other times I'm quite happy. So.
I'm supposed to let sleeping dogs lie but I was inspired by another blogger who chose this particular time to write a stirring essay on all the reasons she couldn't bear - no pun intended- to have children at this point. Sure, why not? It had nothing to do with me, and I did not take it personally, even when it was painful to read because at this point I'm assaulted by, obviously, many of the same doubts about my fitness, desire for autonomy, etc. I think my decision was codependent and largely unhealthy but it's rooted in many other decisions by loads of people, though, again, in the final call: there are no other people, and no other decisions.
I kinda thought this forum was for girl's talk, but of course the very same people who see themselves as having the monopoly on "healthy relationship" don't always fully distinguish themselves as individuals so that an invitation to do something with one means the other is coming too, if they feel like it. Heads ups are mere formalities, and you can't get there from here. Nothing I can relate to. My boyfriend, soon to be ex perhaps, is someone I painted into a corner and now, perhaps, I will join him. It doesn't bother me when the implications are heavy but, as a matter, of formality, I question why anyone would conclude something as incidental as a "blog," (it's not actually, according to some, writing, anyway) refers to them when there's nothing specific to support that assumption. I mostly just felt like, Well, this was bound to happen: and it's ultimately not going to change anything very much.
To me integrity is about speaking one's truth and full participation in chosen forums. I enjoy reading on here and the occasional sense of community. I noticed again and again that J's blogs centered on work ethic - its pains and pleasures- and believed this was a place where I could express my opinions, just as she expressed her opinions about how much she doesn't want kids immediately after I announced my pregnancy. I didn't take it as an attack since a lot of people are having kids young, just like a lot of men don't work.
I've kept a great deal of my personal history silent out of respect and will continue to do so. As for guilt trips (and I only call it such because it was followed up by, 'you really hurt my feelings,' otherwise I consider it simply - & profoundly- another interesting voice/perspective in the conversations here, though an unusual one) in response to a blogspot.com posting which never breaches the self-imposed law of abstractions, I won't receive it.
