So. I'm pretty awesome. Just kidding. My injured foot hurts from trying to kick D really, really hard. He was trying to leave and I tried to block the door and he choked me. So I can't be with him, because that kind of thing is bad for a baby, and I was wrong to think our dynamic would change, and I may be wrong to air it here, but I don't care. I feel desperate beyond measure, though I've been pregnant and despised before. The stakes are higher, because I vowed not to have an abortion. I worry about adoption, for the baby and for me. I don't hate myself but I keep forgetting. The pretend marriage situation was false comfort and a false front but it still hurts to have to go through this alone. I don't think "female friends" or anything else will alleviate this shocking wound. I don't need a lecture because I firmly and squarely put myself in this position and I'm sure there are lessons to be learned, compassion to be gleaned. What I can't figure out is whether or not I have the resources to a. be a single mother, and b. go on. I also don't know if I want D to be exposed to the baby at all, which sounds like a potshot, and I shouldn't say it, because maybe I'm just as bad.
I'm wondering if anyone can love each other for ever? By which I mean two things: a. can any two people make it together, and b. are there even two people who can?
He said he wanted to look up "Borderline personality disorder girlfriend pregnant what do I do?" He started to yell and before he blew me off, went to bed at 6 pm and he doesn't want me but than again he doesn't want anything. He said he'd write his own blog, that it wouldn't be just my side of the story. But it's not about winning. It's rather serious, actually. And I don't, I guess, want him either. Hahahaha. That was a fake laugh, by the way. What did I do?
