What is the worst pain you ever experienced?
Dried apricots lodged into a scone can make one so very sad, if there was a teenage time when one used to sit with a plastic tin of them and eat and eat, squishing the little misshapen fruit coins between the fingers.
I'm worried that some of you are missing the nuances of Augusta. Inside your cars you may not understand the people sitting in front of Kennebec Market at the bottom of Sand Hill, a Ma & Pa store with cheap Pall Malls and suspicious owners. I'm not trying to be critical. I'm just worried.
That microwaved 4 o clock veggie burger barely registed a dent. At 12:45, I had two scrambled eggs and lots of baked beans, half a buttered onion bagel, half a PayDay, half a Nutrageous. I'm dreaming of some Cheeseburger Helper (Hamburger Helper's deranged twin brother, according to "Family Guy") concoction for dinner. I've been reading blogs for hours, mostly "mommy blogs," and wondering what I have to add to any of it.
I keep dreaming of other men, and last night there was some sort of scandalous threesome - or more - immediately after I received all kinds of free "health" bars, but they were the type full of sugar alcohol, and those always fill me with gas. Anyway, these sexual exploits took place out by some car seemingly in the snow. On the brink of climax, I thought of the article about the three gay men in the basement, one of them shooting the other in the head with a gun the shooter claims he didn't know was loaded. Stepping into one world from another, but eros has a sort of recklessness, and the fear didn't catch. I slept for 12 hours, woke up with my head pounding, looked at my phone which had no new messages or calls, and felt a very old blankness, a descent into something awful.
Still I'm worried & indeed, sorrowful almost unto death, about losing luminosity in motherhood (old ideas from certain toltec traditions, particularly whatever Castenada was espousing), though I see compelling alternatives. There is strength in weakness and humility. Lust is thinking about what you can get, and love about what you can give. I would do well to serve the latter. I've demonstrated some creativity but being all wrapped up in myself has drained me so that there's not actually much time or energy available for artistic or helping endeavors. I think it's entirely possible that giving birth, if approached selflessly and courageously, could open new channels - whatever that means. Second chakra issues embraced/transformed, the need for the energy of decisive, initiating Aries. My mother and I are having one of our things ("That's character assassination!" she cried when I suggested she was more interested in scones and exercise routines than the most cursory investigation into what would actually be helpful for me), she's the shadowy figure bearing all kinds of my south node (Libra) energy, and I may not be able to stay close to her. How ridiculous is that? And do I really need to strike out on my own? And who can I trust? Having a child can be very isolating and in no way guarantees that the much needed "village" will open its arms. And do "daddy" (!) and I have to separate, for purposes of actualization? Sometimes it seems heartlessly inevitable. On the other hand, who knows? Who knows what is inevitable or even what the time frame is. Perhaps one of us will die sooner than expected, whatever that means (he's older than me and we think I'll die first and I've sometimes thought, I never got anytime here [by which I mean, on earth] to myself!])
R. said that J. realized she'd entered into an "unhealthy situation" after a comment was made about this being someone's support network. That was it. That pissed me off, and made me content not to grovel, not that I'd planned on it anyway. I was like, "Yeah, women supporting each other is so unhealthy." And he said, "It's not that, but you guys didn't support her." Oh, okay. I remember immersing myself in a 200 page or something novel, being complimentary, alert and interested. You know what I think is unhealthy? Somebody's boyfriend getting involved in relationships with female friends. When a young woman tells me she wants to be friends and than her partner starts bombarding me with texts about why she doesn't. Get some boundaries, people. And don't rejoice in having something else to stew over, it's bad for digestion.
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Also, if it was such a bad move to have children, why would so many people do it? It's like I have to convince myself of something, and it's very sad. I've always romanticized having a little one, but on some level I can relate to someone who said, "I'm at the point where I'd just like to see what they look like, and then send them back." It's not that I'm planning on being negligent or that I'm uninterested in the rearing and education of a human being. But I do wonder day in and day out what I possibly have to offer, when I don't get along with many people and sometimes struggle with the smallest tasks, like taking a shower (and this sluggishness is certainly compounded by the fatigue and nausea of the first trimester). Some people make everything look easy. Others have killed themselves over far, far less. I don't consider suicide an acceptable option because of religious beliefs which I'm sorry to say are not all Judeo Christian. I've also cluttered my astral body with many tenets from spiritualism, or whatever, and think that trying to escape through "checking out" early can only exacerbate the pain we are here to embrace. And after all the time imagining I was probably an old soul, according to some I'm the youngest kind, due to a whole life straining towards that Aries (first sign of the Zodiac) north node.
At any rate, when the going gets real tough, I play strange tricks on myself. I pretend I have only six months to live, for example. I'm not trying to be crude or awful. Certainly being mindful of death (and I may have only six minutes to live, who knows?) puts everything in perspective and sometimes it's good to play it in such a way that things can only look up.
